


a place for you to love me

by johntens



Category: NCT (Band), SuperM (Korea Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Anxiety Attacks, M/M, Weddings, lapslock, mark and xuxi get MARRIED, mark deals with his anxiety in the bathroom, ten helps and he's also very prepared
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:40:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26099566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/johntens/pseuds/johntens
Summary: mark wishes he understood the mix of emotions that are weighing his chest down like a cartoon anvil, making it hard to breathe and to think and even exist. and it’s not like he isn’t happy. he can pick that emotion out for sure. it’s bright and warm and overwhelming and whenever he focuses too hard on it, he starts to grin so hard his cheeks ache. he’s over the fucking moon right now. this is quite possibly the happiest day of his life.so why does he feel like this?
Relationships: Mark Lee/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, side johnten because i cant help myself
Comments: 9
Kudos: 84





	a place for you to love me

**Author's Note:**

> hiii so this is my very first time posting anything on this website. i'm very nervous so we'll see how it goes! unbetaed so if you see any mistakes please point them out.

_i made this place for you._

_a place for you to love me._

_if this isn’t a kingdom then i don’t know what is._

richard siken, “crush”

* * *

there are only two things mark lee can think about as he kneels in front of the toilet and vomits up his breakfast in the very, _very_ fancy bathroom of the alexandria ballrooms. 

one: the paint is peeling behind the toilet. it makes him laugh a little which makes his stomach surge again which promptly causes another wave of vomit. a venue that cost seven thousand dollars for three fucking hours should probably have a better paint job, mark thinks almost deliriously and he wipes his clammy forehead with an equally clammy hand and shudders out a breath. 

two: he maybe —- no, _definitely_ —- got a little bit of vomit on his tie. it should be easy to hide, which mark is thankful for, because he thinks that if ten were to find out that he’d vomited on the tie he’d hand picked out for the —- the _occasion_ .... ten would see to it personally that mark be strung up by his toes. he sits back, back pressed against the cool tile ( _creme egg_ he’d been told it was called and yukhei had to clap a hand over mark’s mouth before he could guffaw and tell the lady she was pretentious straight to her face) which offers at least a little bit of relief.

mark can’t go out there. he just cannot. there’s absolutely no way anyone can make him. he’ll stay in here with the marble floors and the creme egg tiles and become best friends with the lightly scented toilet paper for the rest of eternity like that episode of spongebob because he just honestly really definitely _cannot_ —-

“mark?”

the voice is accompanied by shave and a haircut and even without the voice, mark would know who it was just by that detail alone. he weakly lifts a fist, responds with _two bits_ , the silent acknowledgment that it’s okay to approach, that mark isn’t feral and will not be lashing out anytime soon (although that is subject to change at any moment). 

he wipes his mouth with his hand, grimaces at the vomit and is trying to clean it off with the lavender scented toilet paper when the door creaks open, ten’s face peeking through. “hey,” is all he says because the deep furrow in his brow speaks louder than anything. 

mark lifts his chin in return, a croaky and too forced to be nonchalant, “‘sup,” escaping before his head is falling forward into his clammy hands. 

“oh, baby,” ten frowns and crouches beside mark and normally mark would make fun of ten for sounding like a middle aged white woman that shops at costco but he’s nearing the edge of a breakdown so he can’t really find it in himself to be an asshole at the moment. besides, mark _needs_ this and ten’s hand is a warm and soothing weight rubbing circles on his back and it helps him calm down. ten _always_ helps him calm down. 

somehow, from literally thin air, ten produces a bottle of water (he’s literally always prepared and mark thinks he’s lucky to have a best friend like ten lee —- they’d fucking _rock_ the apocalypse) and pulls mark’s hands away from his stupid, pallid face so he can take a few sips, gargle the taste of his regurgitated breakfast off his tongue. “you’re going to be promising forever to yukhei in, like, two hours,” ten says with a wrinkled nose and mark blanches —- he’s _really_ trying not to think about that fact —- “you should probably brush your teeth.” trust ten to be judgmental but in the most loving way possible.

“i don’t have a toothbrush,” is all mark can reply with because he’s a fucking mess and he wants to fling himself into open traffic or run away into the mountains and grow out a beard and become a town hermit that goes by Ole One Eyed Joe. 

“you could _never_ grow out a beard,” is all ten snorts out when mark relays this information and proceeds to pull out a mini toothbrush along with a mini cinnamon toothpaste from the inside of his jacket pocket and jesus christ, ten really thinks of _everything_. “now will you _please_ explain to me why you’re hiding in the bathroom on your wedding day, vomiting your insides out?” 

mark wishes he had an answer. he wishes he understood the mix of emotions that are weighing his chest down like a cartoon anvil, making it hard to breathe and to think and even _exist_. and it’s not like he isn’t _happy_. he can pick that emotion out for sure. it’s bright and warm and overwhelming and whenever he focuses too hard on it, he starts to grin so hard his cheeks ache. he’s over the fucking moon right now. this is quite possibly the happiest day of his life. 

so why does he feel like this? 

“i don’t know,” he replies dumbly, rolling the bottle of water between his palms just for something to do. “i feel like ....” mark purses his lips, looks to ten with desperation and ten only sighs, leans back against the tile next to mark and presses their shoulders together, waits patiently for mark to parse his emotions.

“it’s just, like, too good to be true almost,” mark finally says after a full minute of silence. he’s not looking at ten, keeps his eyes trained on the creme egg. “like... he’s amazing, right? i mean, what the fuck. how can someone be so ... so...” mark clenches his fists in the air as if he’s trying to grasp the right words. “ _god_ , ten. he’s the love of my fucking life, i can’t even describe it. i love him so fucking much.” ten nods like he gets it and mark knows that he does, that ten understands more than anyone.

“i’m scared. i’m scared that he’s going to wake up one day and we’re going to be married and he’s going to realize, i don’t know, that i’m annoying and that he doesn’t love me anymore and —- _OW_!”

mark rubs his arm where ten pinched it with his evil little fingers (and s _hit_ his nails are sharp, holy _fuck_ ) and is now glaring at him with such force that it makes mark flinch back, hides behind the water bottle like it’ll protect him from ten’s rage. 

“are you _done_?” ten asks and he has that tone in his voice that mark has learned to fear over the past eight years of being ten’s Absolute Best Friend In The Entire Fucking World (or ABBFTEFW for short. mark coined it when they were crossed and it’s been ten’s contact name along with multiple pink hearts since then). 

mark only nods meekly, too focused on trying to rub away the throb on the sensitive skin of his upper arm. that’s going to bruise for sure. ten takes a deep breath and mark knows the look on his face: firm yet loving like mark is about to receive the sternest talking to in his life. it’s cool, mark thinks to himself, he needs it. briefly, he wonders what yukhei is doing. if he’s freaking out like this, sweating through the expensive fabric of a suit mark has yet to see because yukhei is the type of person to _believe_ myths like that. his heart aches with want and he knows that under all of this anxiety, he’s ready to spend the rest of his life with him.

“that man _loves_ you,” ten starts out, and every word is said with deliberation, like ten is trying to ingrain every letter in his dumb little monkey brain. “i have never seen anyone — and i mean it, mark, when i say _anyone —_ look at someone the way he looks at you. xuxi is so fucking whipped for you, baby. he’d bring you the entire moon and stars if you asked.” mark knows this, he does, and every feeling is reciprocated but this: the reassurance that it isn’t all going to blow up in his face is nice. all he can do is nod, inhale for is as ten continues: 

“you guys are perfect for each other. you’re both the dorkiest fucking people i know. you’re the only two people i know that can have an at length discussion about whether or no the star wars prequels or the sequels are better and not get be bored out of your skull.”

“the sequels are better, xuxi doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” mark croaks and ten rolls his eyes so dramatically that his entire body goes along with it. mark doesn’tcare. that’s a hill he’ll willingly die on.

“ _whatever_ ,” ten responds, knocking his thin shoulder against mark’s, “you know what i mean. you guys are made for each other. and mark, you’re amazing. you’re the kindest, sweetest, most adorable kid that i know,” mark recognizes the register that ten’s voice creeps up into and is just barely able to dodge his stubby little fingers as they reach up to pinch his cheek.

he waits with a scowl until ten is finished with his almost maniacal like laughter before he sobers up, wrapping an arm around mark and squeezing him close. mark lets it happen, melts into the embrace and feels his pounding heart relax at the familiar smell of vanilla and coconut. “i meant what i said,” ten says after a beat of comfortable silence, “you deserve the entire universe, mark lee. you are the best person i know, that _anyone_ knows. you deserve love, and you deserve happiness. i won’t let you self destruct on my watch. you’re worth so, so much.”

mark can feel the tears burning his eyes, can barely swallow around the lump in his throat and it takes everything in him not to let out an ugly disgusting sarah paulson like wail. because that’s what it all comes down to, he supposes. mark’s always had issues with his self esteem, never quite thought that he was enough: smart enough, funny enough, kind enough, good looking enough. 

meeting yukhei may have exacerbated that — he’d always seemed so perfect, so charming and handsome and funny and rich and everything mark wasn’t. it’d taken him a long time to take yukhei off the pedestal he’d placed him on but, mark supposes, old habits really do die hard. it wasn’t something that he ever admitted but ten knew him well enough and always had the ability to cut him down to the nerve with just a few words, leaving him raw and exposed and aching. mark simultaneously loved and hated him for it.

“i know,” mark says quietly, words emphatic. “i know you’re right. i know i’m being ridiculous but it’s just hard, sometimes, i guess. to, like, look at him and think… _damn_. he really chose me. out of anyone, he chose _me_. d’you know what i mean? sometimes i feel like he’s making a mistake.”

ten has that look on his face like he really wants to say something so mark pipes down, inclines his head forward like he’s giving ten the floor. and of course, ten takes it because when has ten ever stayed silent about anything? “he’s not a god, mark,” he scoffs, “he’s a human being just like you. he thinks that he can re-wear socks without having to wash them. and don’t look at me like that, you know i’m right. johnny just told me he had to convince him to wash his lucky socks because they stunk to high heaven. he’s got his flaws, baby. and so do you. you’re just two regular people in love. that’s all there is to it, baby. simple as that.”

and maybe that’s what quells the anxiety curling around the back of mark’s throat, making it hard to breathe. the fact that they’re just two regular people with flaws and imperfections and insecurities making it work and deciding they love each other so much that they’re willing to put up with each other for life. there isn’t anyone else that mark can imagine a life with. “i can’t wait till we grow old together and xuxi starts losing hair,” mark says with a sigh and ten bursts into laughter.

“you know that bastard is going to have a perfectly coifed full head of hair until the day he’s on his deathbed.” ten pushes himself up onto his knees, presses a tender kiss to the side of mark’s head and stands fully, straightening himself out in the mirror, dusting off dust that doesn’t exist. “now get up, alright? it’s almost showtime, and i wasn’t kidding earlier, you really _really_ need to brush your teeth. maybe twice.”

* * *

there’s another knock on the door as mark is brushing his teeth with his cinnamon toothpaste (mark’s always hated the taste of mint, and also his favorite thing is when yukhei kisses him right after he’s brushed his teeth and always comments on how spicy he tastes) and mark pauses. it’s not shave and a haircut, so it’s not ten —-

it’s almost ridiculous how quick his heartbeat ratchets up when he realizes that it’s most likely yukhei, checking up on him. ten would never give away the details of just how bad mark was about to get, but yukhei knows him almost as well as ten does, knows how mark’s anxiety gets in situations like this. 

mark pauses, leans over to spit out a mouthful of froth and garbles out a, “hello?” as he does, ignoring the traces of blood in the toothpaste and the disapproving voice of his dentist in his head that’s saying, ‘mark, you _really_ need to floss more’. _sue me, dr. patterson_.

“is everything okay, mark?”

mark drops the toothbrush in the sink with a clatter, presses his ear up to the door like if he gets any closer, he’ll be able to feel yukhei’s voice reverberate through the door and into his ribcage right to his heart. “hi.”

yukhei knows that mark needs a minute and so he stays silent until mark can murmur out an, “i’m fine. i promise. i just got… you know how i get.” 

“i know, baby.” 

the pet name warms him all the way to his toes and he relaxes against the door, cheek pressed to the wood. “i don’t want you to think i’m getting, like, cold feet. or that i’m gonna pull a julia roberts or whatever. you know i’d never do that to you, right? like, i can’t imagine the embarrassment of leaving you at the altar, especially because my mom would, like kill me. actually scratch that, _ten_ would kill me, god, i don’t even want to imagine what he would do to me —- ”

the laugh that cuts him off makes mark melt and it coaxes a laugh out of him as well. under his waist he can feel the twist of the door knob and for a second mark gets nervous about yukhei seeing him like this but the door only cracks open until yukhei’s large hand slips through the crack, palm up like he’s waiting for something.

that something is mark’s hand and he doesn’t waste a second, pressing their palms together and locking their fingers tight. yukhei’s hand is cool and dry and the way he swipes a thumb over mark’s knuckles makes him grin, completely giddy. 

“i know you’d never leave me at the altar, mark.” now that the door’s cracked, mark can hear yukhei’s voice much clearer, relishing in every second of it. “you’d never do anything like that. you’re the bravest person i know. you’re kind of crazy sometimes.” it’s said with such tooth rotting fondness that mark can’t even get offended at the (admittedly true) statement, too busy trying to control the flush that spreads all the way to the tips of his ears. “god, i can’t wait to marry you. you know that right?”

how is it that yukhei can be so dorky and weird and yet simultaneously act like the main character right out a k-drama? “i know,” mark mumbles and he tightens his grip on yukhei’s hand, stares at his ring finger and imagines the gold band that’ll be nestled there in only an hour’s time. “i can’t wait either. can i please see you? just once before we get married?”

yukhei’s tone goes serious, almost conspiratorial as he whispers, “it’s _bad luck_. it’s already bad enough that johnny made me wash my lucky socks. what if i trip and fall when i walk down the aisle or something? or mess up on my vows? that would _suck_.”

while mark’s been having an existential crisis for the past hour, thinking about his flaws and his shortcomings and wondering if all marriage ends in terrible, life ruining divorce, yukhei’s only worries have been whether or not he’s going to fuck up on his vows. he hadn’t even questioned his impending nuptials. at least he knows that yukhei is so sure about his decision that even if mark stumbles, yukhei will be there to right him. 

“you’re not going to mess up your vows, xuxi, i know you practiced them in the mirror every night once you thought i’d fallen asleep. you’re really not that slick.” yukhei’s noise of protest makes mark laugh and now he starts to wonder how the hell he even doubted any of this. of course they belong together. 

yukhei is mark’s just as much as mark is yukhei’s.

“i have to finish getting ready,” mark says with a sigh, but he doesn’t let go of yukhei’s hand. yukhei is reluctant too, if the slight tightening of his fingers says anything. “i kind of got puke on my tie.” 

yukhei guffaws, the familiar high pitched laugh coaxing out a grin and mark shakes their conjoined hands, “ _it’s not funny_!”

* * *

the wedding goes smoothly, all under ten’s watchful eye. 

yukhei doesn’t trip down the aisle and mark doesn’t either and when they finally see each other, mark feels his heart settle. this is how it’s supposed to be. they’re surrounded by a roomful of guests but when he looks yukhei in the eyes, says his vows and it’s like they’re the only two people in the room. they promise each other forever and yukhei only cries a little bit.

and after they share their first kiss as a married couple, yukhei presses close to mark, arms circled tightly around his middle and whispers lovingly in his ear with a grin, “you taste spicy.”

**Author's Note:**

> yeah so. please let me know what u think everyone. be gentle with me ok? i know it's not very long but this writing shit is hard idk how yall are out here writing 50k words but GODDAMN! a part of me wants to write a chaptered prequel, or even a side story about johnny and ten but i'm not sure how well that'd work out in my favor. actually, if anyone wants to help with that uhhhh feel free to hit me up i think cuz it might be something i actually wanna pursue  
>    
> [twt](https://twitter.com/lexiswritingacc)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/lexiswritingacc)


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